weather: cool

mood:

Just seen on fb that m & h met with their babies (their second time). They didn't contact me. Am I treated not as their friends anymore? Though I know I'm not good enough to be their friends, but I don't think this is my own fault. I met their schedule everytime. But they changed whenever they wanted! So what am I? Am I deserved to be treated like this? No friends. No friends anymore.

weather: a warm Christmas

mood:

I don't have a good mood this week because of the family matters. Mum and Dad's quarel with sis about the take care matters of the two little babies has made me very upset. I understand sis's worries and really hate the attitude of mum and dad. They are really unconsiderate to her children (sis, me, and bro) throughout these years. They just think we are wrong. They just think their experience are enough to handle everything. After sis's quarel with them, they made a serious discussion last night. Before that, I was really worried as I need to be a middleman, but actually, I was standing by sis. The discussion of course is not happy ending, but thanks God that at least sis said her feeling clearly, I hope dad can understand, but I don't expect we can change mum's thought. I hope mum can change her mind to believe in us and willing to put herself down. Not to make benefit from her children anymore (though she doesn't agree with this).

Beside of this, auntie also made me very very disappointed. I really can't understand why she is so dissatified with church and so rude to the churchmates.

Last two week when everyone was ready to rehersal on stage for the worship, she said obviously that she would not join the worship. Hey, if you don't want to join, you should disappear, but not to 表現出避迫陪我或grandma. Before this, I have already know that she was very unhappy with the arrangement of attending the worship. She thought she was betrayed to attend the worship, and she said to me 佢地休想迫我唱.

When in the last women's gathering, Mrs Chan asked us to help on the day of Christmas lunch. She objected immediately with unreasonable excuse. Why so rude?

And today, I have my confirmation. Not only because I was confirmed last week to take this service, I don't want to be questioned by aunt, so I didn't tell her anything before. At the last minute of the confirmation service, she came out and said to take photos with me. Oh! Why made this embarrassing suggestion? That's no need. Anyway, things continue.

In the Christmas lunch, the food is prepared in the middle of the hall. And I asked Ching Yee if I could offer my help. She told me to open the bottle and I couldn't. Then, cousin came and helped too, but couldn't open as well. Then she came and said, 你仲乜要開, 開唔到未咪食囉! It's so embarrassing!

Then when exercising with grandma in the park, I just wanted to say something that is interesting, so I said about how Lik asked his baby brother to call mum last night. She said she Lik didn't call her last time. He's impolite and his parents should teach him. Hey, who knows you mind that! I think sis just think the same as me, we are a family, and she was busying in taking care of the baby, and sis-in-law was busying in asking Lik to wash his hands and Lik was just in bad temper that moment... Why can't she be considerate? And after that, she whispered with cousin. I know that if there's nothing about me, they would not talk so softly. And then, I thought they were counting the bad things of church because I heard a word of church and 你地自己一家人玩晒.

I want to keep a sweet memory of my confirmation in this church, but all these things just boiled my feelings. Anyway, I have waited for this day a year, and pastor really did not ask me any matters about my old church life that made me uncomfortable, so I should tell myself that I am blessed and prepared to be here by my dearest God.

Give thanks! And merry Christmas to myself. God, please keep my faith in praying for my family, and please give me more confidence and confirmation that You do listen and understand and willing to change the status for me.

weather: warm

mood:

姨媽走了. 以後都吃不到她煮的餸, 聽不到她聲如洪鐘的聲音... 她臨走仍苦苦掙扎, 不願離去. 昨天還跟我說 "曳曳", 仍盡她最大努力向着我笑. When I was preparing to go to church, cousin called me of her emergency. I was a little bit puzzled as I was worried about today auntie's willingnesss in church's song prasing. Dilemma. Went to hospital and no need to church... Of course, parents & I took the taxis to the hospital and spent a whole morning and early afternoon there. Everyone's came. I felt uncomfortable to see her dying.

She knew she's going to die last week as the doctor told her. So her family members discussed the death matters with her a week before. I really can't imagine how she could be so brave to face this about her death. Her life was so harsh since her birth. She suffered so much during her life. And she still needed to worry her children and husband before her last breath.

I could not stop my tears once I thought of her poor life. Hope she could rest in peace and leave out all her worries to God.

weather: sunny & cool

mood:

Just received an unexpected message from mum & dad after work. They called me in the afternoon but I didn't notice. Auntie (mum's sis) is dying. I hurried to the hospital after work at 6 something. I wasted some time in finding the minibus. Thanks God that I could meet the time for visit. I couldn't think of anything to say to her. When I saw her, I was really sad as she's still very 清醒, I can't imagine what would I think or do  if I were the one that is going to die. She could listen to us clearly, but she's so painful to talk. She may even be worse than grandma. But I will keep praying for God did the miracle on Grandma, I hope the same thing happen on her as well!

weather: breezy, but a little bit hot

mood:

稱義(一剎那) ------> 成聖(是過程)

爭產為公義

weather: hot but a little breezy

mood:

Come here because just got my first MSN with Mandy. She wants me to blog with her. So what to start? Drawings? Ocarina? My business?

It's interesting that on Sun, p.yeong said I'm cute? He thinks I'm a little girl? Or I am really lovely in his eyes? P. Yeong, you are lovely in my eyes as well ! Love you more and more.

weather: sunny

mood:

Today's my third time on the study with Pastor Yeong. I heard that two out of four will be absent, and we need to think of questions about 10 commandment to ask him, so I was very nervous throughout the week. When I arrived, more unbelievable was that I was told that I was the only student on today's class! Ha! Lucily, Yeong didn't ask me the matters that I don't want to say. But it's so difficult to understand and communicate with him. Anyway, it's not a so bad day.

對話人物: 我, 姑姐, 嫲, 表妹

嫲的爸原擁有多個賭場, 她是大家閏秀, 有妹仔服侍, 爸長得帥, 媽長得美, 她懂玩排九等, 賭場管理不善, 家破人亡, 弟妹都要賣給人. 媽在她六歲時被父激死.

她有同父同母的妹妹兩個, 同父異母的弟弟兩個. 叔結婚時其中一個弟也有出席.

她從來也不想談起舊事, 易哭, 只會在不經意時說起一點點.

她不懂耕田幹活, 爺曾有一次或許受不了鄉親的壓力, 回家把什麼都不會幹的她狠狠地打了, 但自此也再沒有打過她.

或許曾經風光, 她雖是無知婦人, 但卻是整潔有品味的.

爺請了四個道友做伙記, 反被懶惰的伙記欺負, 更有黑社會迫入會, 人善被人欺, 養家實不容易.

爸三兄妹每天有斗零零用, 爸不吃早餐留起來新年買新衫, 姑姐也不吃留起來到戲院, 叔每天都清袋. 爸有時肚餓會取叔的來吃, 叔向嫲投訴, 所以嫲有時給他多點零錢.

工會去旅行, 可以多至成千人, 去到目的地會有人煮飯 (髒卻美味), 玩遊戲, 非常健康有風味.

weather: warm

mood:

This time last year, I was so nervous, upset, or lost... as Grandma just finished her surgery, which made her "sleep" for so many days in the ICU. And from when that I went through the dark but bright journey in God.

Remember that she said she wanted to spend her Christmas time in church last Nov.

Don't know if this is God's will that I come to her church since this Nov (after several failings to join other churches and my own one), I pursuaded her to go to the Christmas Eve service tonight.

It was full of thanksgiving in my heart in the whole night. Especially when I heard from pastor Wui's message that he hasn't seen the Eve's service happened for many years. I think he has the same feeling as me. That is to bring God's spirit back to this church.

Though there's time to be lost when I feel that no one talk to me, or if God wants me to be here, or feel disappointed to the churchmates' negative attitude to God, I hope to see what God will do and bless this church.

It seems that I'm loving it! Esp pastor Wui. From disappointed to hope. When I see what he's done on Grandma.

weather: T1

mood:

If it is not God's grace, we don't have this day.

Grandma has adapted the elderly home's life for more than 3 months. We have celebrated the Dragon Boat Festival together with uncles and aunts. And today, we have birthday cake in grandma's home and have dinner together.

I prayed for this day to pass smooth as I don't want to have any unhappy things happened in this special day. Thanks God that mum didn't say much annoying wordings and we have a peaceful dinner. Grandma has eaten a lot. I hope she can have good digestion and will not be sick.

I'm really thankful for God's preparation. I really want to share God with my family members but don't have the confidence. Anyway, I believe God's have grace and will prepare the best for all of us. He loves them more than I love them.

Dad said he has applied another elderly home in TWS for grandma. There's good and bad points in my view. The environment will be better, but then grandma and I will miss SKM very much. And Suk can't visit grandma always. And grandma can't go back home anymore.

weather: hot

mood:

Should say a lot these months. Originally I want to forget this blog but don't want to delete my feelings in the past yearsk, so just continue.

After being sent out of the icu, grandma had been stayed in the common room since then, and had been sent between the separate room for she was found to be infected by the 金黃葡萄球菌. Actually, she was being separted more than in the common room. But maybe God knows what she wants, it was better for her to be there as she could have her own TV and it's easier for us to get water for cleaning.

Time was difficult but we have overcome. Lastly she was allowed to be discharged on May 14th. This day was longed by us for more than seven months.

She is now in the elderly home. Though it is not a nice place, but I think it is the best provided by God. It is just opposite her own home, an area that is familiar to her and her friends can come. She can have her own room, though so little. We've bought her a TV, but it can't work properly. Anyway, better than none. And I've encourgaged sis to bring bb to see her. Hope she has a wonderful time today.

On my side, our shop is furnised and we are now busy to search for the sign and other minor things. I still feel uncertain but hope that I can go on with God's love.

I'm very unhappy of what I'm performing in my music lessons. But I should not give up.

weather: fine

mood:

Grandma has been sent out of the icu since last Saturday, 3 days before. She was found to have 膿before that and still has the "bag". Don't know why the doctor let her out in this high season of influenza. But anyway, hope everything to be good soon.

weather: sunny

mood:

Very tired this week, not because of any special things. Maybe just coz I need to rush to and from the hospital. Grandma is much better, at least she could eat for over two weeks. But her legs are very sore and need to take 抗生素, hope the doctor and nurse have the wisdom and love to help her. And hope it isn't a big matter, and also hope she can be "normal" and get well to leave the hospital. Thanks God that her emotion is much better these few days. She can tell jokes and laugh. But I find her to be very different from the one that I have known for years.

My mood is quite bad since yesterday. Have a small quarrel with Dad and feel that I am such a useless people in the eyes of the others. I want to be the one with charm. But I'm not. What a poor character. And after today's r lesson, I feel even bad as I can't manage to perform well. The feeling of "I'm too bad" is still here.

weather: still very cold

mood:

Originally I decided not to update this anymore as I don't want to think and manage my life, but I'm afraid I'll regret, so, to be here again.

It's now early Feb, so I should trace back the life from the end of Dec. As since Dec, grandma's situation was still very fructuated. She was fould to be infected by some 真菌, so the doctor輸血來增強抗毒能力, but it didn't work, so the doctor urged to take another operation for her on 24 Dec as she will die if no action was taken, but it would be very dangerous for her as she's so weak. She was not willing to do so might be because she saw the one next to her bed just died the night before. Since that day was the eve of X.mas, sis could go to the hospital and persuaded her to take the operation. Sis called her church's 傳道人. Originally he might not arrived on time, but because the opeartion line was busy so he could come to make sure her belief in Christ and prayed for grandma before she went into the opeartion room. This was one of God's sign.

I rushed into the hospital after work. That night auntie, uncle and dad all needed to attend a wedding banquet. So I was the first one to arrive. Just at 6, she was sent back to icu. I asked the nurse to let me see her. Her eyes were opened but the nurse told me not to awake her as she would feel very painful. At that time I think she has passed the opeartion safely.

Later, mum and dad arrived and they wanted to see the doctor. We waited for a long time until one of the doctor went out from another door. He explained to us that it was more successful than they originally planned. If everything all right, she could be better than before and got well soon.

However, after a few days. another doctor called us to tell us that her hope to be recovered was very very low, as to her experience. Meanwhile, she was still kept slept as if she was awaken, she would be very painful and dangerous, there were more than ten tubes on her body. Auntie was the first one to cry as grandma has said before wants to leave the world without pain, and it seems that she still has some wish not yet done. And sis and all of us thought it was so upset if we couldn't say goodbye to her before she leaves.

After several weeks of this dark period, another miracle happened. The doctor used less sleeping medicine and she was awakened to see us. Though still very weak. better than nothing. She was orginally needed to open a hole on her throat to put a tube for breathing since the breathing machine could not be used for more that 2 weeks. But one day, she was able to leave that machine and used back the normal 貓鬚. The tubes and bags on her body were removed one by one. We were very happy about that. The doctor even allowed her to eat.

Just about 3 days after she ate, her 膿 comes out again and couldn't eat again. Of course, the bags go back to her body again, up till now.

Last week, we found that her emotion was very bad, maybe because she knows that the Chinese New Year is coming. Anyway, we still need to pray and give thanks to all the things God prepared.

weather: fine

mood:

Haven't seen grandma for several days as I am sick. I have to pay a few hundreds again to see the doctor. So poor this month! Although I missed her very much and worried about her situation, it's a good time for me to relax and organized my life again. Originally I should have the r lesson tonight but Isa called me to cancel as she forgot. Actually I have doubt that does she really forget or she doesn't want to have lessons with me. However, my heart doesn't want to take the lesson as I felt so tired and did not have good preparation for it. She asked me to take the G7 exam next year. Of course I want but I really don't have the confidence.

The colleagues are planning to set up our own business and will go to see the shops next Saturday. Of course I want to make this happen but am just worried do we (or do I) have the money to invest. And will we succeed? I want to be the boss as soon as possible and I want to get back of my self-esteem. These years I am so scared to share myself with friends as I don't want them to know my occupation. But if I can be the boss, then everything will change.

weather: fine

mood: still worrried

When I arrived at the hospital, grandma was very sleepy. I tried to have massage on her ears and legs and feet as what I've read via the internet. However, after a while, her right hand, and later left hand shook. She said thery were painful and needed to seek help from the nurse. But the nurse did not belief at what we said and just asked her to take a rest. I felt a liitle bit helpless as I'm afraid she got a stroke. If it was real and the nurse didn't give help, it would be very frustrating to me. Lord, I really don't want grandma to suffer from one more disease. Besides of the 傷口發炎, she's  now having 肺氣腫 and 糖尿, if having stroke as well, then she probably does not have the opportunity to come out.

D called me again tonight but I didn't answer. I think I am a little bit angry with her as when I wanted her concern, she didn't show her concern and I think she is not really want to help me. Also, I don't know what to talk about my feelings.

Which church is prepared for me? I saw Rev. Lee in yesterday's service. Though I'm not sure if it is him, I feel I will lose my security as I don't want him to tell others about me.

weather: fine

mood:

Yesterday grandma's situation is worrying. When I arrived, she showed very painful but could not take the medicine to relief as she was very "full" to drink more water. What I could do was to pray with her. When I was leaving, she was still not feeling well. The nurse said it was because she needed to 放膿  today.

Today when I arrived, she was sleeping and not yet awaked when I left. I hope she is better and has a good sleep. But when I saw her quick and irregular breathe, I was so upset. Hope she can feel better after this little operation and get blessed by God.

For me, I am also worried about myself as I felt sick again on my left side and waist. I want to check from the Chinese doctor and have a thorough body check. But I don't have the money. And don't want to face the reality. But, if I delay, I'm afraid it will get worse, if I really have the problem.

Tomorrow's Sunday again. I've decided to go to that church again. But was afraid I will give up tomorrow. I've bought a bible for F. She's just invited me to the concert on Tue. But I want to take the drawing lesson better. But this concert is quite attractive (free). If not because of busying to visit grandma, I definitely will go out two nights next week.

weather: cloudy

mood:

It seems that grandma's situation is worse than before. She's probably gets the pleural effusion. It's so sad to see her suffers from the pain and hopeless future. We, not as a patient even feel frustrated, how does she feel when is waiting to die?

My emotion is not so good once I think about her. I can't understand why God does nothing, though He always tells us to wait patiently and have faith in Him. But, does he really understand the pain of being helpless when we are just human being?

I am so worried about my health. Am I really have some problems in my lungs or heart or stomach or somewhere else? I felt painful on the my left hand side during my sleep. How can I check out the problem?

weather: bored

mood: bored

Grandma still has no improvement. Just meet the doctor, but he's not the responsible one. He said the possible reasons for grandma's problems are heart disease, lung disease, or 發炎. Since she's taking a lot of anti-alergy medicine, they still cannot find out her problem.

Is prayer work?

weather: super fine

mood:

Without not much thinking, and praying as well, F went to the church with me. She was no so concentrated, and me neither, because we were not interested in the subject. But it seemed that she was interested in reading the bible. And not as rejected as I thought. After the service, we were just invited to fill in the form but no one specially talked or shared with us, just a very joyful welcomed us.

Anyway, a good start for F to know Jesus. And a time for me to keep near God. I was a little bit swing whether to go there again next week as F was not available. And it seems that it's difficult to know others in that church. If God allows and blesses, please makes me have the faith to continue.

I haven't visited grandma today as I want to have a rest. Just heard that she was back from the icu. I hope this is because she is better but not because there's no room for her.

My confidence that she can celebrated Christmas was so low as time passes every day. But can God show some miracles to make grandma and us happy?

weather: fine

mood:

I was originally had the r lesson but Isa called me to cancel, so I thought I could have a little bit rest and practise guitar. However, when I just arrived the hospital, mum told me that grandma was sent back to the icu as she can't breathe and has very fast heart beat.

When I saw her, she seems to be better, but just when cousin arrived, her machine shows something very poor and it makes some noise which show that she is very abnormal. But I have to leave as it can just allow two visitors.

I was really so upset and worried about her. I don't know what I would think if I were her.

Dad and mum had quarrel again as they thought that aunt and uncle were irresponsible for paying the fee for grandma. Why? Why these two christians show no love to the unbelieved one and even argued among themselves?

I have successfully invited F to go to church with me tomorrow, I hope this will not be the last time.